In my infinite knowledge and wisdom, with which we can all be assured is limited in scope, I have seen very few men who were excited of the prospect of attending therapy with their significant other. More often than not, it is the woman who is excited about learning more about how to develop the relationship, while the man is secretly checking his watch. There are exceptions to this rule. I worked with a Hispanic couple in which the man was the initiator of therapy because of a lack of fidelity by his significant other. However, he ended the process shortly after stating that he had no hope that she would change.
Biologically, a man is engineered for action. While we might be able to make some claims that socially men are environmental victims of a culture that avoids education about male community and connection, men at their core develop a different pattern of outlook on the world in formative years. While I’m not an evolutionist, this is one of those arguments that certainly does point to the possibility of evolution in our nature. Chimpanzees evolve in the same manner as human beings and reflect an interesting model for us to understand. Male chimps at an early age develop “pecking orders” which determine who the alpha male is in the pack and at what level feeding, breeding and other functions will occur. At the lowest level of pecking order is excommunication from the pack. This is sure death for a chimpanzee because the invitation to another pack rarely occurs. Issues such as size, ability to protect, securing of food, play into the development of a pecking order. At some level, could this be an integral part of our development as human males as well? We can develop an intention around building relationships, staying connected, etc., but at some level will we ultimately set up hierarchies to determine who’s in and who’s out? If this is inevitable then the need for building relationships at its most basically level is for one thing: survival.
Most men fear seeking help with relationship building because it brings up inadequacies. The body language of a couple in therapy can be described as the scene of a woman looking to a man, and a man looking down. Body language communicates un underlying world of beliefs, paradigms, and feelings. The body language of a man who cannot seem to interpret or deliver what his mate is trying to communicate may leave him feeling at his depths like he is incompetent as a male. How will this kind of feeling affect his ability within his own paradigm to protect, defend, provide or move to action? What new kind of philosophy or beliefs about men must be embraced for men to be empowered? Perhaps it would be helpful for women to begin to affirm men for their male ways of engaging in relationship and let go of a cultural shift which has become about woman affirming men who react and respond the way that they prefer. Men and women respond differently to circumstances. The more a woman understands this, the more that she can be affirming of the way in which men do express themselves in relationship.
I’ve heard it said that men respond better to criticism. It makes them work harder. I can’t think of a single man who as a young man felt that he needed to be more criticized. Young men, like young women, yearn for affirmation and appreciation from others. On some level, this does not change once we are older. This appears to me to be a stereotype again about the way that men respond. Of course, there are those circumstances when criticism is delivered in such a way that it’s not about the nature or personality of the person, but about the performance or situation. In this case, perhaps some criticism is justified. So, having said all of this, there still remains one piece that I have purposefully left out.
Men, ultimately like women, need friendships with other men. They need relationships where they know that they are accepted, valued, and admired. Men have just as much a need for relationships as women do, but they don’t have to look and feel the same way. Men find relationships in a multitude of ways, from activity to sharing to common interests. Men can have relationships with each other, their significant others, and family. But men often value different things than women. They often value things such as competition, production, and competence. These values may reflect in the way that a man chooses to express himself in relationship. So, the next time that your husband or mate pulls you out into the shop to teach you how to put something together, go with him, he’s engaging in relationship. Or, next time he invites you to the ball game, don’t turn your nose up. These are invitations to his world of relationship. And, men, consider the possibility of engaging in activity which may take you a bit out of your comfort zone to learn more about who she is. Walk a mile in her shoes and then you will be able to relate to her in a more empathetic manner. She will appreciate your flexible and willingness to bridge the gap between the two of you.
And, when it comes to therapy, men, don’t be afraid. If your mate wants you to go to therapy to work on the relationship, go. If the therapist blames you for being a man, find someone else. You don’t need any more of that in your life.
