Understanding Anxiety and Regulating It

One of my best friends, Chris, has a little girl named Rowan. I will never forget the story he shared with me when she was about 3 years old. Rowan has two parents that deeply care for her, remain attentive, and work hard to maintain an atmosphere of apprecation and education for their children. Stacy, my friend's wife, was an early education major, so she practices her education with her girls. "Ro Ro" is a pet name that the couple would occasionally use when speaking to their oldest girl. This story is set at a party the couple attended when Rowan was about 3 years old. Chris and Stacy were entering the party hand in hand with young Rowan in between. As they approached the party and were about to enter the crowd, Rowan, perhaps overwhelmed by the amount of people, the stimulation, or the noise, said aloud "It's ok, Ro Ro, these are just Mommy and Daddy's friends." Then she entered the group with the couple semingly prepared for the adventure. "Ro Ro" was speaking to herself. She was engaging in an activity that some of us never learn called "self soothing". Rowan at age 3 was already managing her own anxiety with statements of accurate perception about the true nature of her perceived threat in the environment. I think that Rowan may perhaps be more evolved at 3 than I have been for many of my 36 years.

Physiological arousal is one of the key components in understanding human relationships and the way that humans relate. John Gottman, with his 25 years of marital research, identifies physiological arousal as one of the key components in understanding dynamics in couples. Physiological arousal occurs when the heart and pulse rates increase resulting in greater stress on the overall system which leads to a decline in the ability to process information, emotions, and solve problems. Physiological arousal often occurs in situations of more intense emotional stimulation, such as anxiety or anger. But physiological arousal is not always apparent. Sometimes, arrousal can be masked, unknown to spectators. Gottman and his research team created an artificial home environment in an apartment in Seattle, Washington, and invited couples there for the weekend. They attached pulse rate monitors and bio feedback mechanisms, to understand what was happening to them internally during their interactions. What they found will forever change our understanding of marriage. The degree to which the couple was able to engage with each other was profoundly affected by their ability to defuse physiological arousal states. Meaning, that when couples were "flooded", emotionally overwhelmed, or their heart rates were increased, they were unable to engage with one another and remain connected. These couples eventually turned away from one another, perhaps in an attempt of self preservation. Gottman found that couples who were adept at soothing physiological states continued to turn towards each other, fostering connection, friendship, and long term satisfaction. Physiological states appear to be a secret that researchers had not investigated until Gottman provided his forum for couples research.

By watching videos of couples in everyday experiences together, Gottman began to see a correlation in the way that couples were able to manage their physiological states together. The couples that were able to repair negativity and conflict quickly and thus de-escalate physiological arousal were the couples that stayed together over time. Gottman found that these couples had created a positivity with each other outside of conflict which bled over into their negative moments, so much so that they were able to view each other's anger as being neutral, rather than negative. During negativity, they were able to do or say certain things which de-escalated the flooding. And, they stayed together.

Unfortunately, there are many factors that increase our pulse rate on a daily basis. Included in these are work, stress, addiction, guilt, unrealistic expectations, lack of exercise, diet, and so forth. Trama and unresolved emotional states are often catalysts for increased physiological arousal. There is a fascinating connection between trauma and the brains ability to manage stress. The brain in the process of traumatic experience, appears to loose its ability to maintain equilibrium and must function at a lower stress threshold. When trauma continues for long periods of time, post traumatic stress develops and the brains ability to manage stress becomes comprimised, thus, flooding occurs more often.

So, Rowan at age 3, is learning an important skill.....how to decrease physiological arousal, ie heart rate, pulse rate, so that she can engage more deeply in the moment, face the crowd, maintain her equilibrium and increase her confidence. For us adults, there may be many reasons why we need physiological soothing. We may project unrealistic perceptions on a situation or try to manage its outcome, which may cause us a sense of stress. We may feel overwhelmed or carry our daily stress into the home.

There are many ways to self soothe, such as music, meditation, self talk, affirmation, engaging with nature, reading....all of these may be helpful activities to decrease physiological arousal states. One's own sense of confidence in being able to manage a situation is just as important as the outcome of the situation. In my work with those with anxiety challenges, I encourage them to develop their own "tool" that they will use in the moment they are faced with a stimulus, whether it's a crowded party or a big work interview. Just the act of using a tool is powerful in reclaiming own's sense of self determination and confidence in a situation. Over time, using this tool over and over again builds confidence, so that at some point, I can say "It's ok Marco, this situation is going to work out just fine".

So, find a tool that works for you for self soothing. Notice what's happening to you in conflict and step away if you need to self soothe. Affirmations work well, maybe meditation, but make it your own.

And when it comes down to it, sometimes we just need to hold someone's hand. And that's just all there is to it.

Peace to you,

Mark

Understanding the Conscious and Unconscious Response to Trauma

My mother hit me when I was little. Spankings, grabing me hard, yelling...normal ritual of behavior change in the early Trahan household. I'm not sharing with you any information that she would not share with you if you asked her. In fact, she shares this story with most of my friends. Love you, Mom. You see, behavior is multi-generational. My mother was slapped anytime she became angry as a child. I do not know whether my grandmother was hit, she never spoke of this.

Abuse is disregard for the value and vulnerability of another through spiritual, emotional, physical, intellectual, and sexual means. In my case, it was verbal and physical. But, on one fateful day, a five year old boy had something to say to his mother. She leaned down to grab him and with tears in his eyes, he looked up at her and in an innocent plea said "Jesus wouldn't want you to treat me like this". She stopped cold in her tracks, how could she deny the truth of this statement? For this five year old boy, that was the end of the physical assaults.

Trauma is multi-faceted. Most of us have heard of a fight or flight response to distressful situations. Fight or flight are two of the responses that all creatures have when faced with heightened stimulation. A dog that has been abused and is trapped in a corner may choose to fight as a means to protect itself as a learned response to distress. Or the dog may cower or flee situations in which threatning sounds or movements remind it of prior experiences of abuse. Both responses are instinctual. Humans have similar responses.

Fight, an instinctual response, lives at the unconscious level. It manifests as a form of protection to eliminate the source of danger, thus an adaptation for safety. In a moment of trauma, fight becomes an automatic response. However, complex trauma, severe trauma, long term trauma, and adaptation to trauma result in behavioral adaptation. This unconscious instinctual response can develop into an emotional response in the conscious mind. This emotional response is called rage. Rage is anger lacking power. Despite the fact that it looks more intense than anger, it's source is a feeling of powerlessness. Since trauma may induce a sense of powerlessness in the victim, rage is an adaptation to attempt to regain power.

Flight is another unconscious response to trauma. An unconscious response of flight in traumatic situations may result in a conscious adaptation of withdrawal, dissociation, or escape to fantasy. The instinct of flight may behaviorally manifest in the victim removing themselves from the situation. However, if the victim cannot remove themselves, they may adapt by removing themselves emotionally or mentally by withdrawal and dissociation. If the brain is overwhelmed by the trauma, if it is long in duration, or if it is complex and sadistic, the brain will "turn off" or compartmentalize memories in order to avoid being overwhelmed by emotion. This is the way that the brain protects itself. If the abuse or trauma becomes ritualized or consistent, the brain adapts by creating a similar response each time that it even senses the presence of danger. If the trauma is sadistic, the brain may even compartmentalize these memories into storage within different parts of the personality, which splinter off to protect the memories and the brain from overwhelm. This can cause Dissociative Identity Disorder, formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder.

There are three other responses to trauma that most people are not aware of, and rarely discussed.

Freeze is an unconscious instinctual response to trauma. For deer, freezing is an adaptation to avoid predators. A predator cannot see the deer when it is not moving. Additionally, it gives the animal a moment to seek the best possible escape route. Humans have a similar adaptation. The freeze mechanism is intended to prevent greater harm by inducing a sense of paralysis which prevents greater harm from being accomplished to the victim. If a victim is frozen, it's perpetrator may not focus it's attention on the victim or may lose interest. Paralysis is a protection mechanism. In domestic violence cases, a victim freezes when their mate comes through the door or just prior to physical abuse. This is the brain's attempt to minimize and prepare for damage. For men, this response is often considered "wimpy". Sometimes it's helpful for men to know that this response is purely instinctual, and may not be determined by conscious choices. As a result of ongoing unconscious responses of freeze, the person will develop a conscious response called inhibition. Inhibition is an adaptation to the unconscious freeze response to trauma. People who feel inhibited may be responding to one time or series of traumatic events during which they unconsciously responded with a freeze instinct.

Surrender is another unconscious response to trauma. Possums and armadillos exhibit this response in their instinct to "play dead". Surrender, like freeze, is a response to minimize danger by discouraging attention, evoking sympathy, and mimimizing threat. The goal of a surrender response is for the perpetrator to lose interest. This unconscious response in human beings results in conscious behavior of minimization. Avoiding exposure, hiding in the woodwork, and avoiding are conscious manifestations of minimizing to seek safety. If the victim feels that they cannot avoid the traumatic event, they may surrender and withdrawal in order to minimize the length, duration and severity of trauma.

Finally, the last unconscious response is to tend and befriend. Tend and befriend is a very common response to domestic violence. Often a woman, but occassionally a man, will unconsciously respond to the distress of domestic violence by tending to the source of distress, the perpetrator. "If I only have dinner ready for him when he gets home", a stereotypical line that may denote a response of tend and befriend. By befriending and tending to the source of distress, an attempt is made to reduce danger, to appease the perpetrator. Again, animals portray this behavior, especially in packs. The alpha is often attended to more than other animals due to it's position of power in the structure. When a person responds unconsciously with tend and befriend, they may begin over time to develop a conscious acting out of the trauma. This comes in the form of obsessions and compulsions. Obsessions may become outward oriented such as making sure that the house is cleaned, making enough money to please her, or preparing his favorite meal. However, when there is not a continuous outward source of danger, the victim may remain in distress and refocus the obsession inward on itself to obtain satisfaction and relief from the danger. A young woman who is sexually abused may tend and befriend herself by increasing her food intake and becoming obese, to diminish interest from another outside perpetrator. Or perhaps she was sexually and physically abused, and learned that it was more beneficial to sexually seduce a partner to avoid the physical beating that may ensue. She is not only tending and befriending him, but herself as well. Cutting behavior is one of the behaviors that we see with this kind of response to trauma. Cutting becomes a physiological way to manage the internal distress held by a victim.

These five responses to trauma are ingenious in their own way. Our deepest need is survival, and these responses help us in moments of distress. Unfortunately, these responses can become fixed, and manifest in conscious behaviors as noted above. There are methods of processing the trauma, but processing must begin with understanding of responses and conscious behaviors.

If you know of someone who has experienced trauma, from physical to sexual to intellectual/psychological, or spiritual, encourage them to seek help from a professional. It will help them to manage a low threshold of distress. They will have greater functioning in life.

Some truths for men and about men

In my infinite knowledge and wisdom, with which we can all be assured is limited in scope, I have seen very few men who were excited of the prospect of attending therapy with their significant other. More often than not, it is the woman who is excited about learning more about how to develop the relationship, while the man is secretly checking his watch. There are exceptions to this rule. I worked with a Hispanic couple in which the man was the initiator of therapy because of a lack of fidelity by his significant other. However, he ended the process shortly after stating that he had no hope that she would change.

Biologically, a man is engineered for action. While we might be able to make some claims that socially men are environmental victims of a culture that avoids education about male community and connection, men at their core develop a different pattern of outlook on the world in formative years. While I’m not an evolutionist, this is one of those arguments that certainly does point to the possibility of evolution in our nature. Chimpanzees evolve in the same manner as human beings and reflect an interesting model for us to understand. Male chimps at an early age develop “pecking orders” which determine who the alpha male is in the pack and at what level feeding, breeding and other functions will occur. At the lowest level of pecking order is excommunication from the pack. This is sure death for a chimpanzee because the invitation to another pack rarely occurs. Issues such as size, ability to protect, securing of food, play into the development of a pecking order. At some level, could this be an integral part of our development as human males as well? We can develop an intention around building relationships, staying connected, etc., but at some level will we ultimately set up hierarchies to determine who’s in and who’s out? If this is inevitable then the need for building relationships at its most basically level is for one thing: survival.

Most men fear seeking help with relationship building because it brings up inadequacies. The body language of a couple in therapy can be described as the scene of a woman looking to a man, and a man looking down. Body language communicates un underlying world of beliefs, paradigms, and feelings. The body language of a man who cannot seem to interpret or deliver what his mate is trying to communicate may leave him feeling at his depths like he is incompetent as a male. How will this kind of feeling affect his ability within his own paradigm to protect, defend, provide or move to action? What new kind of philosophy or beliefs about men must be embraced for men to be empowered? Perhaps it would be helpful for women to begin to affirm men for their male ways of engaging in relationship and let go of a cultural shift which has become about woman affirming men who react and respond the way that they prefer. Men and women respond differently to circumstances. The more a woman understands this, the more that she can be affirming of the way in which men do express themselves in relationship.

I’ve heard it said that men respond better to criticism. It makes them work harder. I can’t think of a single man who as a young man felt that he needed to be more criticized. Young men, like young women, yearn for affirmation and appreciation from others. On some level, this does not change once we are older. This appears to me to be a stereotype again about the way that men respond. Of course, there are those circumstances when criticism is delivered in such a way that it’s not about the nature or personality of the person, but about the performance or situation. In this case, perhaps some criticism is justified. So, having said all of this, there still remains one piece that I have purposefully left out.

Men, ultimately like women, need friendships with other men. They need relationships where they know that they are accepted, valued, and admired. Men have just as much a need for relationships as women do, but they don’t have to look and feel the same way. Men find relationships in a multitude of ways, from activity to sharing to common interests. Men can have relationships with each other, their significant others, and family. But men often value different things than women. They often value things such as competition, production, and competence. These values may reflect in the way that a man chooses to express himself in relationship. So, the next time that your husband or mate pulls you out into the shop to teach you how to put something together, go with him, he’s engaging in relationship. Or, next time he invites you to the ball game, don’t turn your nose up. These are invitations to his world of relationship. And, men, consider the possibility of engaging in activity which may take you a bit out of your comfort zone to learn more about who she is. Walk a mile in her shoes and then you will be able to relate to her in a more empathetic manner. She will appreciate your flexible and willingness to bridge the gap between the two of you.

And, when it comes to therapy, men, don’t be afraid. If your mate wants you to go to therapy to work on the relationship, go. If the therapist blames you for being a man, find someone else. You don’t need any more of that in your life.