Trahan, M.H. & Hughes, L. (2010). Love 101: Key to a Healthy Relationship is Staying Positive. The Daily Cougar, Special Health Section. Oct. 27, 2010.

All relationships have ups and downs. The key to sustaining a relationship is maintaining positivity between you and your partner. Research shows that couples who maintain at least a 5 to 1 ratio of positive to negative interactions have happier, longer-lasting relationships. Many couples, however, maintain a 1 to 1 ratio of positive to negative interactions. What are some practical ways that couples can improve their relationships? Following are several frequently asked questions pertaining to improving the quality of one’s relationship and enhancing communication within the relationship.

What are some ways that I can maintain positivity in my relationship?

Nurturing fondness and admiration for your partner is a great way to maintain positivity in your relationship. Notice the little things that your partner does for you or the personal qualities that you value in partner - and tell your partner. Some people even create a ritual where they share an appreciation for their partner each day, perhaps before going to bed. Couples who know each other intimately on a day to day basis report more satisfaction in the relationship. Ask questions about your partner’s past experiences, current joys and concerns, and dreams for the future. You may also want to schedule “love days”, where you engage in positive and loving behaviors toward your partner without telling them that this is “their” day!

I love my partner and we’re maintaining positivity, but we seem to have the same disagreements over and over again. How do we work through them?

Did you know that 69% of all couple’s problems are perpetual, meaning that they last the length of the relationship? All couples have problems. Problems are an inevitable part of a relationship and choosing a partner is, in essence, choosing a particular set of problems. You may want to ask yourself, “Can I be with this person even with these problems?” If the answer is yes, then try to maintain positivity in the relationship, even when problems arise.

So how do we talk about problems that come up? Sometimes I get so worked up I cannot think straight.

There is a name for what you are experiencing: flooding. You may feel your heart racing and have difficulty concentrating. You may shut down or feel like you want to leave the room. In fact, in may be a good idea for you to leave the room when this is happening because your problem-solving ability will not be at its best. Tell your partner you need a break and take at least 20 minutes to do something relaxing before re-engaging in the discussion.

Okay, I have taken a time-out and am feeling relaxed. Now what?

Now, you will want to begin the discussion in a gentle manner, avoiding criticism and a harsh tone of voice. Try using “I” statements that focus on how you feel. Pay attention to any signs of tension between you and your partner and learn to repair the positivity if things become negative. This may include apologizing to your partner or identifying something that you can relate to in what your partner said. Some of these strategies may feel unnatural at first – they are supposed to. New behaviors often take some getting used to. Keep practicing. With time, they will get easier and you will begin to notice some beautiful changes in your relationship.

Where can I get more information about these and other strategies?

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide by the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert by Dr. John Gottman is an excellent resource for couples. The information above (and much more!) is included in this book.