Understanding Anxiety and Regulating It

One of my best friends, Chris, has a little girl named Rowan. I will never forget the story he shared with me when she was about 3 years old. Rowan has two parents that deeply care for her, remain attentive, and work hard to maintain an atmosphere of apprecation and education for their children. Stacy, my friend's wife, was an early education major, so she practices her education with her girls. "Ro Ro" is a pet name that the couple would occasionally use when speaking to their oldest girl. This story is set at a party the couple attended when Rowan was about 3 years old. Chris and Stacy were entering the party hand in hand with young Rowan in between. As they approached the party and were about to enter the crowd, Rowan, perhaps overwhelmed by the amount of people, the stimulation, or the noise, said aloud "It's ok, Ro Ro, these are just Mommy and Daddy's friends." Then she entered the group with the couple semingly prepared for the adventure. "Ro Ro" was speaking to herself. She was engaging in an activity that some of us never learn called "self soothing". Rowan at age 3 was already managing her own anxiety with statements of accurate perception about the true nature of her perceived threat in the environment. I think that Rowan may perhaps be more evolved at 3 than I have been for many of my 36 years.

Physiological arousal is one of the key components in understanding human relationships and the way that humans relate. John Gottman, with his 25 years of marital research, identifies physiological arousal as one of the key components in understanding dynamics in couples. Physiological arousal occurs when the heart and pulse rates increase resulting in greater stress on the overall system which leads to a decline in the ability to process information, emotions, and solve problems. Physiological arousal often occurs in situations of more intense emotional stimulation, such as anxiety or anger. But physiological arousal is not always apparent. Sometimes, arrousal can be masked, unknown to spectators. Gottman and his research team created an artificial home environment in an apartment in Seattle, Washington, and invited couples there for the weekend. They attached pulse rate monitors and bio feedback mechanisms, to understand what was happening to them internally during their interactions. What they found will forever change our understanding of marriage. The degree to which the couple was able to engage with each other was profoundly affected by their ability to defuse physiological arousal states. Meaning, that when couples were "flooded", emotionally overwhelmed, or their heart rates were increased, they were unable to engage with one another and remain connected. These couples eventually turned away from one another, perhaps in an attempt of self preservation. Gottman found that couples who were adept at soothing physiological states continued to turn towards each other, fostering connection, friendship, and long term satisfaction. Physiological states appear to be a secret that researchers had not investigated until Gottman provided his forum for couples research.

By watching videos of couples in everyday experiences together, Gottman began to see a correlation in the way that couples were able to manage their physiological states together. The couples that were able to repair negativity and conflict quickly and thus de-escalate physiological arousal were the couples that stayed together over time. Gottman found that these couples had created a positivity with each other outside of conflict which bled over into their negative moments, so much so that they were able to view each other's anger as being neutral, rather than negative. During negativity, they were able to do or say certain things which de-escalated the flooding. And, they stayed together.

Unfortunately, there are many factors that increase our pulse rate on a daily basis. Included in these are work, stress, addiction, guilt, unrealistic expectations, lack of exercise, diet, and so forth. Trama and unresolved emotional states are often catalysts for increased physiological arousal. There is a fascinating connection between trauma and the brains ability to manage stress. The brain in the process of traumatic experience, appears to loose its ability to maintain equilibrium and must function at a lower stress threshold. When trauma continues for long periods of time, post traumatic stress develops and the brains ability to manage stress becomes comprimised, thus, flooding occurs more often.

So, Rowan at age 3, is learning an important skill.....how to decrease physiological arousal, ie heart rate, pulse rate, so that she can engage more deeply in the moment, face the crowd, maintain her equilibrium and increase her confidence. For us adults, there may be many reasons why we need physiological soothing. We may project unrealistic perceptions on a situation or try to manage its outcome, which may cause us a sense of stress. We may feel overwhelmed or carry our daily stress into the home.

There are many ways to self soothe, such as music, meditation, self talk, affirmation, engaging with nature, reading....all of these may be helpful activities to decrease physiological arousal states. One's own sense of confidence in being able to manage a situation is just as important as the outcome of the situation. In my work with those with anxiety challenges, I encourage them to develop their own "tool" that they will use in the moment they are faced with a stimulus, whether it's a crowded party or a big work interview. Just the act of using a tool is powerful in reclaiming own's sense of self determination and confidence in a situation. Over time, using this tool over and over again builds confidence, so that at some point, I can say "It's ok Marco, this situation is going to work out just fine".

So, find a tool that works for you for self soothing. Notice what's happening to you in conflict and step away if you need to self soothe. Affirmations work well, maybe meditation, but make it your own.

And when it comes down to it, sometimes we just need to hold someone's hand. And that's just all there is to it.

Peace to you,

Mark